excerpts and side notes

Okay, so...

2010-08-18T14:59:00.002-04:00

I moved.

http://bailiegrossman.tumblr.com/

Oh I know, it goes on, it gets old

2010-08-14T23:43:00.001-04:00

But for now we're young, we smell good, we're alone

2010-08-12T15:44:00.002-04:00

The Naked And Famous - Young Blood from The Naked And Famous on Vimeo.

Well, my friend showed me this a week or so ago.... I fell in love with it for several obvious reasons.

The bittersweet between my teeth

Trying to find the in-betweens

Fall back in love eventually

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Just makes me feel so darn good.

____________________

2010-08-12T04:50:00.008-04:00

Oscillate is not the word- it just keeps running through my head.

.....So maybe it's the title..

[to vary between differing beliefs, opinions, conditions, etc. : "He oscillates between elation and despair.]

Sure. Oscillate.

I turned 18. Though it felt like SUCH a long day, when it was over I noticed it really just came and went. And that- selfish or not- I didn't want it to be gone. I only wished I could've truly grasped how much people loved me.

I wanted to feel alive. Whatever that means. I resorted to swimming with my friends in the dark around 1 am. I wanted to float on my back, let the water fill my eardrums, and search the sky for shooting stars. I imagined all of us doing that in unison. It was beautiful, but wasn't fitting. Instead we made up names for silly jumps into the pool and cracked each other up. Talked about lucid dreaming and things much more trivial.

I laid with her underneath the hot shower outside. Legs up, on our backs, facing the stars. Smooth, young, shimmering bodies full of unknown potential. Full of pure love. For one another and countless others- some yet to cross our path. I told her that if I could only wrap words around [it].. then [it] would be heartbreakingly beautiful. Though it would never be documented anywhere other than a place few eyes would ever find.

I needed to wrap words around it. It's long, but needed to be made immortal through a pen onto paper. Strictly because I may not have realized it until after, but I have never meant something so much in my life. Immortality is the runt of what it ultimately deserves.

I came inside and spent 3 hours on a kitchen floor. Writing a little story for her, myself, whoever else on some other day. Documenting what deserves much more potential than some two-dimensional has-been tree.

2010-08-11T02:58:00.001-04:00

Oh, gracious... ME TOO!!! The first TWO times I watched it..

For several reasons, I needed her to bring this up.

2010-08-02T14:33:00.006-04:00

Passion is something you really don't miss after it has cooled. It is like looking at an empty bottle on the side of the road and thinking, "Boy, I wish I had a Coke." The loves you miss are the ones that go away when they are still warm, even hot, to the touch.

Though I'm not sure whether it makes me feel better or worse.

Justified- definitely. I know the difference between things I've let go of that were frozen or boiling or comfortably warm. I know what I miss with an ache, don't quite miss at all, and why I feel the way I do about any of it.. even if I can't wrap a sentence around the origin of the feeling. Some things move you so deeply that words couldn't even begin to do it justice. But fear easily triumphs over one-sided justification when change is out of one's control.

Hearts have a way of revealing themselves even when their owner has other, more solidified, plans.

Patience

She is hereeee annnnd nowwww-

2010-07-28T23:39:00.011-04:00

No matter what any song is truly about- I literally always think it's about MY issues. Even when I know very well it's about something a whole lot more stale or profound. Making it all about me is my way of coping, I suppose.

Consider me spoiled.

I really did just have a fine little day today. It was cute and full. Work was good. Friends were better. My heart felt oddly warm. Really the only downer was that Sonny's was "out of lemons."

Though no matter how warm or cold the day, the same thoughts roll over and over and over in my head. All. Day. Long. To the point that I look up towards heaven and shrug my shoulders with a little chuckle. Hoping He'll understand that I'm sorry for taking up so much time with this... and that I know I'm trivial. And that if You want me to quit it.. to chill the heck out.. then please, I'm game with that.

And then I reaffirm my steady, straight-forward stare and begin the same thought process over again.

It's pathetic, I know. And as of now, I can't help myself. So I'll sing those songs at the top of my lungs. Convincing myself that they were tailor made by someone's heart that's just like mine, for me, at this very moment.

Even if it's about a band breaking up.. It's just my song, okay. & I love it.

http://www.myspace.com/fun/music/albums/aim-and-ignite-13539498

(Listen to this entire album. It's my life. More importantly, it's VERY good.)

2010-07-22T21:23:00.002-04:00

I love her so SO much.

2010-07-21T18:40:00.002-04:00

Um, if only I could accurately portray JUST how much I love them. For real, though..

Or just him, either way.

2010-07-21T17:43:00.002-04:00

22. That year I wore my father's sweater for forty-two days straight

On the twelfth day I passed Sharon Newman and her friends in the hall. "WHAT'S UP WITH THAT DISGUSTING SWEATER?" she said. Go eat some hemlock, I thought, and decided to wear Dad's sweater for the rest of my life. I made it almost to the end of the school year. It was alpaca wool, and by the middle of May it was unbearable. My mother thought it was belated grieving. But I wasn't trying to set any records. I just liked the way it felt.

I admire -maybe even envy- this kind of confidence.

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life

2010-07-15T12:31:00.006-04:00

I think about this kind of thing a lot when I'm driving. Or maybe I just think about it a lot in general. Though, driving alone usually does see the worst and best of me-

At times I believed the last page of my book and the last page of my life were one in the same, that when my book ended I'd end, a great wind would sweep through my rooms carrying the pages away, and when the air cleared of all those fluttering white sheets the room would be silent, the chair where I sat would be empty.

Admittedly, there have been countless times where I sat alone in my bed, or someone else's floor, in the middle of the night (or very early morning- whichever you prefer) writing at the speed of light. Surprised that my messy jotting could even keep up with my trail of thought. Page after page, confession after confession, spilling out of my hand so quickly and ultimately unrelenting. All the while thinking that I can't stop because somehow this is keeping me sane and grounded. This mess of emotional excess and spiritual confession is what's holding me together at 3:13 am. Like if I stopped, all I'd have left is a silent bedroom and sleep hovering over me, waiting patiently, while I lie there drained, silent, emotionless, and rebellious against it's plea.

I'm young. And I know better than this. And though somehow I've managed to have faith in things unseen and hope which is the substance of those things, when I think logically about my future all I see is a wall. Not in a depressing way, but in a baffling sense.. Like, though I feel young and alive and that the world is probably right here at my fingertips, I still feel like I've lived so much thus far. And when I think of being sixty years old, my life so full now after nearly eighteen years of life, how thick and heavy will my book be then? You won't even be able to lift that thing! The fuzzy, dreamy part of me is so excited to cherish it, but a portion of me - in the practical sense- can't comprehend what that could possibly be like. To have such a life of mine to look back on. That in reality, I am so young - I have only lived the first few, scatterbrained pages of my novel.

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

"It's a business lie. It's different from a life lie."

2010-07-07T00:20:00.016-04:00

Alright, well... last week my whole life plan changed within an hour.Sure it was a little bit of a let down, but ultimately I just feel okay. Like a big mess was cleaned up with a "No." and some teary eyes in a school office. So I relayed the news to my dad of every door I've ever had in mind completely closing.. but that I think I've found a cracked window. & that I'm gonna climb out that window unless it shuts and maybe some vent opens up or something. Coupled with some down-to-earth wisdom(including a few choice words to spice it up a bit), he opened my blinds and curtains and starting plotting out how to rearrange or paint my room, or both .. because acording to him, and maybe to me too, "I need some kind of drastic change." It was precious, to say the least. So this secret over here really caught my eye.

& maybe I just will paint my room.. or something like that.

On a separate note, tonight I watched the movie Sunshine Cleaning with Amy Adams and Emily Blunt. Whether it's worthy of being written about or not- something in me kind of loved it.. Though a few parts were left unresolved and ultimately it was a pretty mediocre film, it really tugged on my heart. It gave me heavy boots & almost had me in tears a couple times, but throughout the whole thing I kept remembering how I truly do believe- absolutely and without a doubt- that there is the most beauty & strength in flaws and disfunction. And that a life that's handled roughly is so, so incredibly beautiful at it's high points.

Maybe it's because when you're dealt unpleasant cards, the happy one means a little bit more to you. Shines a whole lot brighter because it was so longed for and you remember the other older, wrinkly cards that made you want it so badly. And in turn, you shine some kind of beautifully radiant light all over everyone around you.

2010-06-30T01:49:00.002-04:00

If only any of it were true. I mean we'd all be so lucky to wind up a punching bag and still find our crates full of Birds of Paradise.

No such luck with this crate.

Let the cold water run.

It's gotta warm up eventually.

Right?

I haven't heard a thing you've said in at least a couple hundred days

2010-06-25T00:15:00.004-04:00

What'd you say?

I could feel a hot one taking me down

for a moment I could feel the force

Veiny to the point of tears

And you were holding on to make a point

What's the point?

Enough is never quite enough

What's enough?

Though beautifully written, these words struck such an unpleasant chord in me tonight. When I heard them it was like I had two immediate choices- believe that being numb is acceptable and drag myself forward, or believe in what is embedded in my bones.

I believe in love.

In all that love has to offer and all that it means and in all that it sacrifices and in all the joy and lessons it brings.

I believe it's beautifully crafted and that it's a choice and that since it's a choice, you fight for it. Maybe even simply because you chose it. It's irrational. Terrifying. Gorgeous. Dangerous. Freeing.

It's longed for, ached over, and confusing.

But you choose it.

That ability alone is beautiful.. & tricky.

& so much brighter than gloomy, gray numbness.

I feel like I've always tended a little more towards the brighter side of things anyway.

I'm pretty much positive that this songs meaning is nowhere near as simple as what I chose to relate it to tonight in my car. But that's the thing about words- you can use them however you'd like. Tonight I made them directly relatable.

2010-06-24T03:01:00.002-04:00

Whose side are you on

What side is this anyway

Put down your sword and crown

Come lay with me on the ground

#datclosetcrew

2010-06-24T01:37:00.005-04:00

I guess I forgot what it's like to make new friends?

Which in itself is odd to me and shows, clearly, that circumstances really have changed me. But what I mean is.. I've latched on so tightly and intimately to my close friends, (because I needed to) but I guess in the process I haven't let much of anything new in. Until I started my new job.

At first the job was just exciting cause we're all the same age and have the same humor and it was just.. fun. But then I started spilling my beans while tagging.. and listening to little and big stories about little and big problems while running clothes here and there. And then going to eat, or staying late, and getting to see who everyone really is when they're on and off the clock.

Then it turned into exchanging numbers, adding Facebooks, stalking blogs, this that and the other. And if I'm being honest, somehow it initially baffled me. Like I literally didn't know how to make new friends.. & by "friends" I mean the kind of people that you have some kind of deeper connection with. Something of substance. The things "in common" that really matter. The kind of "friends" that aren't your acquaintances on social networking or another smile-and-wave in the mall, but the ones that you're going to be standing in their kitchen one day, or seeing their dad in his pj's. I haven't been in a new situation like that in a while..

Well anyways, I say all this to say that tonight a few members of the closet crew went out for some Sonny's after we all got off at 9. We ate while talking & listening to troubles and drama. Then moved to the parking lot talking about religion and 2012 and relationships. Moved from one truck bed to another, watched the employees leave and the lights flicker out. Ended up with three girls in a tiny truck bed spilling stories, heavy hearts, and pure honestly in a parking lot until midnight. (We had mace, cell phones, and a bat I think.. don't worry.) But we were being so vulerable. So trusting with such personal issues. In a sense, we're kind of strangers to one another.. we're still getting to know each other's quirks, but we were spilling deep, deep unknown and untouched parts of the soul in a truck bed outside of Sonny's.

It was nothing short of the word beautiful.

..& I'm beginning to get very, very attached to this part time job..

2010-06-21T03:50:00.002-04:00

Ah, Brooklyn Brooklyn, take me in

Are you aware the shape I'm in

My hands they shake my head it spins

Ah, Brooklyn Brooklyn, take me in

Load the car and write the note

Grab your bag and grab your coat

Tell the ones that need to know

We are headed north

One foot in and one foot back

But it don't pay to live like that

So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks

For never to return

Three words that became hard to say

I and love and you

2010-06-11T02:08:00.003-04:00

"... in dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.."

Carry on

2010-06-11T02:00:00.005-04:00

In a car full of girls with a little too much stress and let downs weighing down shoulders, it's okay to be cheesy. When it comes down to it- this song has and always will be just good. Open the windows and turn it up. It's okay.

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

It seems that all my bridges have been burned, but you say that's exactly how this grace thing works.

2010-05-09T21:42:00.004-04:00

Today my grandma gave me like, four HUGE photo albums for me to go through because I needed some pictures of my little self. I went through each and every one.. not failing to recognize how terrible the photographer was because about 90% of them were 20 feet away and slightly blurry. Anyway, what I'm getting at is that when I reached the second to last page of the last album, I noticed that I have never changed.. Well, I don't wear my bikini all day everyday, but that's about it. My arms are flailed, my face is scrunched, my smile is fake and exaggerated, I had put golf balls in my bathing suit top, I'm doing some ridiculously curled pose 'cause I'm trying to be cute or something. Haven't changed.

A little update:

I graduate in less than a month. ( AHHHHHH!!!)

I'm moving out in July with two of my best friends. Here's a sample of just how cute it'll be:

... And we have a floral print couch that I'll get to come home to every day!

I have a job! And a fun one at that. It really just fits for right now.

With school wrapping up and July gaining on me, I've subconsciously begun to value and cherish things much, much more. Such as.. Up until recently I've constantly been "go go go" and never home, but now I just want to be home all the time and be in my bed every night cause I can't bring it with me due to spacing issues. (That saddens me more than anything, really.) And I can really see it in my step-dad, too. He loves me a little more that usual. He's gonna miss me and all my wild antics. And how I always miss curfew and spill everything in the kitchen and rarely clean my car.

I guess I haven't fully grasped that with all my changes this summer, other people will be changing a bit too. Rumor has it that nearly everyone is moving. By "nearly everyone" I mean a few people that I really hold dear. It's safe to say that I don't like to think about it often.. hurts my heart. When it runs across my mind I have to shoot a little prayer out and remind myself that there is a highway and that we all know how to drive. Comfort myself in trying to genuinely understand that it's not the end of the world- Because it's not. It's the beginning of a new, better chapter.

All these things seem petty, really. Just the beginning of my entering the "real world" phase. Actually, I'm just graduating high school and this is literally just the very beginning of my life. I can't even imagine how soon it'll be when I look back on all this documentation and giggle a little at my naivety. We only view these kinds of things as such a big deal because it's all so new and unknown. And we're so vulnerable and finite. Life continues to go on.. and will continue to get better, and better I'm sure of it. That's one thing I've finally managed to grab ahold of.

I've finally let my tunnel vision and lack of acceptance for hope, peace, whole joy, and patience go.

It's about time. :)

As if the fruits she always offered us were picked from the destroyed branches of our family tree.

2010-04-28T23:52:00.004-04:00

We believed in our grandmother's cooking more fervently than we believed in God.

...

Her culinary prowess was one of our family's primal stories, like the cunning of the grandfather I never met, or the single fight of my parents' marriage. We clung to those stories and depended on them to define us.

...

He responded simply, "Everything is possible again." It was the perfect thing to write, because that was exactly how it felt. We could retell our stories and make them better, more representative or aspirational, or we could choose to tell different stories. The world itself had another chance.

2010-04-25T15:10:00.004-04:00

Been talkin it up forever & we finally made real progress! Mark your calendars, folks- We're set to move out and move in July 9, 2010!

recreational vehicles and mutual friends

2010-03-22T23:31:00.004-04:00

And through your uneven footsteps you found
tolerance & cleanliness
and I found you

who's to blame, lack of power
and I don't mind that you're not here
who's to blame, the believer
the eye in the sky is watching
your every single move

we've both got better things to do

we've both got better things to do

Ides of March

2010-03-15T22:02:00.011-04:00

(I think about it all year.. I may as well title something with it. Oh, & happy birthday to one of my dearest friends!)

It's that time in my life where everyone keeps asking me what I'm going to do with myself. Wonder how long it'll last...

-community college. not sure how long. english major. it's the only thing I can tolerate going to school for.

-what, do you wanna be a teacher?

-I don't know what I wanna be. I don't really "fit" right into something, but I'm sure I'll fall into my niche along the way..

-Yeah you'd be a good teacher.

.. or something like that. I usually get an opinion on my choice of subject, or sometimes they choose to relate to my method instead of the study. Always ends with a hopeful smile and a goodluck-pat on the shoulder.

....(no. the thought of talking all day makes me want to gag. and i don't like those hours.)

Right now I have out-of-place acid reflux right at the top-back of my throat, waiting for a phone call that I don't even know if I want to answer now that I'm waiting on it, I'm kind of trembling, my hair is only half blowdried, and I'm just trying to be bolder than usual.
u g h

If I've learned anything this past year it's that I get a lot more nervous than I thought I did. To put it kindly.

& I'm starting to misuse those commonly misused words.. ...why? I keep wondering if that's a sign that I'm losing my mind or something. (doubtful) Or maybe I'm just looking to label anything a sign... like some unspoken need to categorize or attach myself to something, anything, and let it define me. Perhaps that'd make it easier to describe myself, my reasoning, my motives.

Clear communication.

The right words.

.. gold in settings of silver ..

This is all I'm looking for, and all I'm attempting to offer.

Push & pull, man. Let's work.

my my my, my my my, my, my

2010-03-14T12:47:00.016-04:00

On occasion I'll take the wrong turn.. sometimes you just need the long way home. I've been known to get a mean caffeine headache. I can sit still; I can be too much. I'm fidgety. I've tiptoed near the line, stood clear of the line, sprinted over the line without looking back. Yet I always crawl back to the side which I belong. Sometimes I don't feel like replying to texts, so I won't. But only sometimes. I've got a few hearts in the palm of my hand, though I would never think twice about messing with them. I hold them, sympathize over them, wonder about them. I hate checking my voicemail- It's too time consuming, text me. I should consider drinking more water, eating less McDonald's, less sweets, maybe sleep more- But hey, I'm young. I can handle it for a little while longer. Of course I miss you; of course you miss me. Not sure why we make this so difficult. I'm solitary, but I'm even more social. I do my best crying, praying, purging on the floors of bathrooms and tubs. I bite my nails. & I hate that I bite my nails. I've been on hundreds of planes, involved in a few fender benders, and one time I rode on a train to Chicago. I'd love to ride on a train again. I like a strong cuss word in calm songs. I'm petrified by spiders and gravely disturbed by vomit. I'm a sucker for lovestories and their soundtracks. I have friends that are family. Families that have seamlessly accepted me as one of their own. I procrastinate. Making plans stresses me out. I don't like the beach.. There are some songs I can't listen to. Some movies I can't watch. I'm sure I'll get over it one day. I find the most beauty, strength, character in flaws and disfunction. I have freckles during summer and no trace of a tan line during winter. My hair tangles too easily and doesn't grow quickly enough. I'm discontent, eager, nervous, at peace. Things fall apart- it's the simple stuff that makes my heart, even my eyes, fill to the brim with thanks.

2010-03-12T21:27:00.010-05:00

Maybe when things turn green again

It will be good to say you know me

I guess that's the bottom line..

I don't control these seasons;

I can only control how much I'm willing to blossom.

Which I will, of course.

______________

I just hope my future involves floor to ceiling windows. Preferably in some loft, somewhere. Maybe some bookshelves built into the walls? I don't see how things could be anything short of spectacular if that were the case..

In the meantime I'll be reading my books. Chatting on beds and in cars- sometimes about things I don't feel like chatting about but I have a want, a need, to listen, waste time, relate, care. Being too attached to technology. Spending too much money on drive-thru beverages. Not getting enough sleep. Avoiding attachments bound by the word love- what's on my plate has satisfied me for a while. Receiving those over joyous and all too fleeting fits of excitement. Making attempts to be diligent enough to "go somewhere"- wherever somewhere is. Filling journals, burning candles, wasting water, eating sweets, replaying songs, spilling my heart all over the place.

2010-02-28T03:25:00.002-05:00

"Christ without Christianity, truth without theology, and community without church makes complete sense to you but it also makes you a heretic among some of your former friends who avoid you in the grocery store."

Just... read this guy's blog.

http://www.divinenobodies.com/blog/

Heavy Boots- be gone

2010-02-22T21:24:00.003-05:00

I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy- ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness- that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what- at last- I have found.

________________________

We love because it's the only true adventure.

My oh my, do things get messy.. It seems so cruel and wrong that we give ourselves so truly and freely to vaporous passions. We throw our hearts to the wind, praying for a mere echo to comfort us in return. We run blindly, and at full speed with high hopes and careless, irrational thoughts- arms wide. ...... And sometimes there isn't an embrace waiting for us. We end up standing alone, criticizing all that we stand for within ourselves.

It all seems so crude when you're left alone.

Yet, what would we be without vulnerability? Though in the valley we're walking in the midst of death, once it's conquered- life's gains it's luster back a hundredfold. Which in itself could bring you to your knees in thanksgiving. When the seasons switch and we're able to evaluate all the mess, we can see that somehow it all has morphed into something intricately beautiful & for perks, has also led us on this 360 degree turnabout that at first we failed to trust, but we eventually find it was precisely mapped out all along.

How boring and wasteful would a life be without adventure?

'Love is too much, I'll be just fine here.'

2010-02-21T23:01:00.006-05:00

It's February & outside it smells like summer. I'm loving it.

My room is still freezing and dripping with the scent of lavender & vanilla.

My car's AC still didn't get fixed.

I still haven't returned last semesters books.

I still have a whacked sleep schedule.

Yet in all areas,

It's officially a new season.

Dear God I am so thankful for that.

May I just say.. A person's heart&soul is completely revealed when they play you their favorite songs. Whether it's rather pensive, or all surface and thin air.. Yet another strong illustration of vulnerability -or lack thereof. I love it. Even when people won't dare to speak up, some things just give it all away.

< 3

2010-02-14T17:34:00.006-05:00

So I'm trying this new thing where I make purposeful attempts not to get that attached to people/things. Seeing as though this little quality of mine has bitten me right on the butt several times, I'm finding it worth it. (Obviously, or I wouldn't be trying it, right.) & come to think of it.. I've already done this before in my life.. & if my calculations are correct, somehow it has worked. I just have to keep it regulated, and I recognize, also, that it is kind of 'gray area' .. On one hand we have my personality that automatically attaches itself, and on the other we have me trying to stifle that. Which then brings about the potential to become a little numb.

Is being numb to a few things in life better than constantly being hurt or bothered by them?

Either way, it's Valentines day. I mean, I wasn't dreading it & sending out mass "singles awareness day" texts, but I wasn't expecting much either. It's just w/e as far as I'm concerned. I woke up at my friends' house and their mom had gotten us all boxes of chocolate and gum and had them sitting on the night stands next to the beds. It was super cute and definitely warmed my heart. Rumor has it.. there's a package waiting for me at home, too.

This weekend has been quite lazy, but I don't regret a bit of it. To be honest, yesterday I watched 4 discs of The Office season 5 and probably only left the horizontal position around 3 times. & mainly because I have a small bladder. Today I haven't done too much vertically either. And my eyes haven't left my phone or computer screen in probably somewhere around 4 hours.. I mean, I've been accomplishing some things- whether that be texting like a 12 year old girl & laughing so hard I can't breathe, or relaying messages about current emotions and heavy boots- I feel it has been a productive Valentines. :)

This blog is just so petty. But hey, it's an update. Also, the other night I had a dream about huge, floral print poodles. Decipher that one for me..

Carpe diem

2010-01-30T22:04:00.005-05:00

click it

2010-01-25T23:06:00.007-05:00

Within the last week I've finally and officially decided to take it upon myself to take steps. I've let go of the procrastination and have began to do some crucial things that I should've done months, if not years ago. Yes, they're small. But can I just say.. I feel so good.

I guess it finally, finally hit me that if I want to 'make it' the way I'd like to 'make it' , or at least fulfill the idea I have that involves 'making it' in some form... I'm gonna have to get up and do something. I mean, of course I knew I'd have to do this. I probably thought, and still think, that I'm gonna have to take on more responsibility than I'll actually have to.. But that's just the thing... it's all so unsure. And I'm ready for something solid.

I want to develop and grow and change. And I wanna to do it right. So, I need some solidity. Some things that I can count on being there just like they say they will be. I know that change happens and I need to be able to accept that better than I do right now. I'm talking- solid ground for my soul. (In all honesty, taking on change isn't my award winning strength at this particular moment. & I have my excuses.)I think a huge part of being good at tackling change is having some kind of solid, together foundation. Something, in a decently large sense, to be sure about.(Speaking on a level lower than the solid foundation which God has built strong for me.) I don't know what exactly I think I need. But I'm sure it has something to do with strength and consistency.

For whatever reason, I've been dealt some unpleasant cards thus far that I've had no choice but to play. To put them towards some kind of good use. Maybe I feel like I'm about to shuffle my deck.

I really, really would like to shuffle my deck.

Yet, I'm slightly scared to as well. There are several things that I don't want to let go of. Several things that I'm unsure whether or not TO let go of. So many things that are up in the air... I've been left with scarce confidence and so much confusion. I just want to be me. Comfortable. Okay.

A revision of my whole self.

I'd like to chill out. Regain my peace. & be able to have a good morning for once.

______________________

Anything other than yes is no,

Anything other than stay is go

I guess I'm just weak.

But all day long I've been trying to let these words alter me.

Even if I'm not quite sure if I want them to.

And tonight I was reminded of my age, yet again.

Kindly and unknowingly put in my place.

There is a hope. And a future.

I've just mentally "grown up" a little past where I really am.

Is there a cure for that?

2010-01-19T14:40:00.003-05:00

It was late, and we were tired.

We assumed there would be other nights.

Anna's breathing started to slow, but I still wanted to talk.

She rolled onto her side.

I said, I want to tell you something.

She said, you can tell me tomorrow.

I had never told her how much I loved her.

She was my sister.

We slept in the same bed.

There was never a right time to say it.

(It was always unnecessary.)

The books in my father's shed were sighing.

The sheets were rising and falling around me with Anna's breathing.

I thought about waking her.

(But it was unnecessary.)

There would be other nights.

(And how can you say I love you to someone you love?)

I rolled onto my side and fell asleep next to her.

Here's the point of everything I've been trying to tell you..

It's always necessary.

I love you,

________________________________________

"Do you know what a poem is, Esther?"

"No, what?" I would say.

"A piece of dust."

Then just as he was smiling and starting to look proud, I would say, "So are the cadavers you cut up. So are the people you think you're curing. They're dust as dust as dust. I reckon a good poem lasts a whole lot longer than a hundred of those people put together."

.... People were made of nothing so much as dust, and I couldn't see that doctoring all that dust was a bit better than writing poems people would remember and repeat to themselves when they were unhappy or sick or couldn't sleep.

________________________________________

I am silver and exact. I have no preconceptions.

Whatever I see I swallow immediately.

Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.

I am not cruel, only truthful-

The eye of a little god, four cornered.

Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.

It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long

I think it is part of my heart. But it flickers.

Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

2010-01-13T17:36:00.014-05:00

& for the most part I'm thriving off of comfort. For now, at least.

"God is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; He won't leave you. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged."

Deut. 31.8

Lessons Learned - Matt & Kim

Finding common ground.

& Everything this woman wrote.

So glad they wouldn't buy my 2, 157 page literature book back.

2010-01-10T16:10:00.004-05:00

And love is a thing that you can't define

Though you try with all your might through the riddles and rhymes

But it'll fly you like a kite; it'll throw you to the ground

But that's the best thing I have found

And it comes and it goes

Where it's headed no one knows

And we come and we go

Like the winter and the spring

Losing everything just to gain it back again

And oh, how pretty is the middle of June?

a repost from October 5th.

2010-01-04T21:37:00.001-05:00

Driving home on the dark and wet roads, I sensed that I had an undaunted peace and fear was very far from me. I had to reevaluate and make sure I wasn't disconnected from reality because that kind of peace is uncharacteristic alongside the current circumstance.

No, I was all there.

I could feel the intensity of my car as I pushed the gas pedal down, and I could feel every vibration of the road as I let the music be slightly louder than what's comfortable. I'd never even heard the song that was playing, so I just let the obnoxious clanging of the symbols and bass that overrode the vocals simply drown me.

This morning my jacket sleeves took 30 minutes of tear and snot saturation, and that was just enough to get me a second wind for the remainder of the day.

"I got this."

It's really just been one of those days where the prayer of a promise shows up consistently. -Which would account for my audacious peace.

I'll trudge. He's got my back. :)

Oh, time..... Oh, patience..... Oh.... life..

Love is too much,

I'll be just fine here.

I. Love. It.

2009-12-30T21:47:00.000-05:00

Home - Edward Sharpe & The Mag...

kamikaze

2009-12-29T13:29:00.000-05:00

I get out of breath really easily. Not the winded out of breath because I just ran around a room. Just, a loss of correct breathing patterns. As though somewhere along the way I forgot to take a breath or let it out, so I gasp. I know the reasoning behind this perfectly well, but I'm too scared to admit it.. So I pretend like I don't understand why it happens though I clearly recall when it first started, and that I blamed it on the elevation of the mountains, but I knew the truth.

In an act of wasting time this afternoon I chose to drag myself out of my car and browse Barnes and Noble. When I walked in it was like I was in the middle of New York City at noon. Too bright. Too much noise. Listen, I love crowds of people.... but not today. Not right now.

Let me back track for a second... A couple nights ago I went to see the second Twlight movie for the first time. I'd been warned by dear friends, who never cry in movies, not to see it on a "bad" day. I would've made fun of this(because it's Twilight), but because it came from them(who never cry in films, and equally share my view on the cult phenomenon) I was oddly trustful. Not that it was a "bad" day, I just didn't have it precisely on lock, as I like to call it.

I went in expecting to shed tears. Before it started I think I even said, "If I don't cry, I'm leaving."

There was just one part... After he leaves her, she's sitting in front of a window while watching the seasons change through the months. The camera revolves around her and the names of the months appear and dissolve on the screen indicating her lack of ability to live- to say the least. I didn't cry, but my eyes welled up and I made sure to stick my jacket sleeves in the corners of my sockets to keep the salty water from making a mess. A classic trick of mine.

(And for he record, I'm not a real, devoted fan... but I've seen the first film quite a few times and know the entire plot from beginning to end... Let me just say, I am very Team Edward.)

Anyways, I say all this to come back to my being in Barnes and Noble this afternoon. Which was an act of wasting time. Which is also the first reason I'm writing this, to waste time. That, and the idea that I feel if I write this, maybe that's another step in this process of this form of catharsis that I'm doing my best to keep steady.

..I went straight for the new fiction and came across one interesting title, so I cracked it for about three minutes and quickly called it quits. I saw the title, "Love and Summer," debated on seeing what it had to offer, and Bella Swan ran across my mind.... "No lovestories." I agreed.

No. Way.

Anyways, here I am. Dressed to impress. Waiting on an indication to drive across town and put on my brave face.

Not sure what I'm getting myself into.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T00:05:00.000-05:00

I decided I would write this when I caught myself standing alone in front of the microwave. The kitchen hardly lit and me standing there in my skivvies, wrapped up in a warm fleece... It's officially Christmas. So official that the current time is 12:07 am and I've already received 3 mass texts. Gotta love 'em.

Anyways. Here I am, midnight, Christmas, making myself some tea because I don't quite have a ritual to adhere to at the moment.

I swear, I have been breaking my back to get that Holiday cheer. I don't know why, but this year it just..... wasn't there. December really, really snuck up on me. In the unpleasant kind of way.... Well, more of a disappointment. I recall waking up to that 12/01 on the clock and growling, "what..?" ....I guess that's not too unnatural for me, though. Lately all these days run into each other and I haven't paid any attention to time unless I'm obligated to. So it's easy to say there's not much "definition" of my 24 hour periods. Which would obviously lead to such rude awakenings.

Since that morning I've been doing all I can to rob holiday spirit as though it's Wi-Fi. I guess I was successful. Just, such an odd year, ya know... I've tried, but nothing exactly has seemed to stick.

Though, today(yesterday) I genuinely got excited . I still kinda feel that glimmer.. I mean, I have three Christmases to attend.. something is bound to surprise me. So, yeah. I'm excited.

I need a surprise. Any kind of surprise. One deeper than material.

This tea is gross... and I should really be trying to force myself to sleep. Santa has aleady made his stop here and Christmas morning can't come soon enough for the eleven year old on the other side of the wall..

So, here it is. Merry. Christmas. :)

2009-12-21T15:33:00.000-05:00

The soundtrack was an eclectic mix that lasted all of 25 minutes.

'Gravity' started the roller-coaster with a sense of complete contentment, then, like I had no control over myself, my fingers shifted to the QWERTY keyboard. Again, I restarted the song.. and quickly decided the sent message was the worst idea I'd had. I would lie in my reply, that is, if I got the chance to do so. I said this out loud with a smile and a sense of superiority over my heart. The mix switched to 'If I fail' by Cartel, which I can now analyze as the big, adrenaline filled drop.

I broke my own promise to myself... I didn't lie.. but I also didn't use any puctuation in the simple sentence.. As though to somehow avoid emphasis or keep my heart semi- to myself for once, and I screamed as I pressed the send button. Then came a reply... Which is the obvious reasoning behind the drop and swift, jerky turns.

The sense of not knowing what I did, how to take that answer, the answer that I wanted, and complete and utter regret led to a burst in tears. A kind of tears that I'd never cried before, and didn't understand why they were even there... So I just decided to laugh at myself and shake the steering wheel and yell as though I really was on some freak, thrill ride.

Being close to home, I chose to turn right instead of keep straight. 'Timber wolves at New Jersey' was playing just loud enough so I could let it take control of my fore thoughts. Driving down some frozen, snowy straightaway in a plastic Kia.. I just needed to calm down a little bit.

"What the heck?" I made a U turn, and Corinne Bailey Rae started telling me to put my records on and let down my hair. "Corinne, my hair is down, and it looks like crap today. But thanks for caring enough to want to hear my favorite songs. That's sweet of you."

Like fate had been shuffling my iPod herself, 'Passenger Seat' switched on just in time to perfectly match the snowy pines surrounding my car. "This would," I say under my breath.

I am now composed. Well, composed enough.

I take the right and head home. All the while wondering what in the heck is up with being 17.

"No; she was drinking in a very elixir of life through that open window."

2009-12-20T00:16:00.001-05:00

There stood, facing the open window, a comfortable, roomy armchair. Into this she sank, pressed down by a physical exhaustion that haunted her body and seemed to reach her soul.

She could see in the open square before her house the tops of trees that were all aquiver with the new spring life. The delicious breath of rain was in the air. In the street below a peddler was crying his wares. The notes of a distant song which some one was singing reached her faintly, and countless sparrows were twittering in the eaves.

.. She sat with her head thrown back upon the cushion of the chair, quite motionless, except when a sob came up into her throat and shook her, as a child who has cried itself to sleep continues to sob in its dreams.

.. There was something coming to her and she was waiting for it, fearfully. What was it? She did not know; it was too subtle and elusive to name. But she felt it, creeping out of the sky, reaching toward her through the sounds, the scents, the color that filled the air.

The Story of an Hour, Kate Chopin

2009-12-14T11:26:00.000-05:00

I can't emphasis this writing enough...

"Did I mention that I was in love once? I loved a guy whose heart was good, kind, pure. And he tried to love me. He just didn’t. After two years of trying to make myself wantable, maybe I just became hard inside, a cynic, or maybe worse, a dreamer of things like Ed, like faceless poet boy: imaginary people who are too perfect to be real. Maybe I’m just scared of how lonely my life post-college seems, of how quickly my waistline seems to be expanding, of how maybe I should have worked harder for the guy who didn’t want me.

Maybe I have lived in this fallen world so long that I have forgotten that there ever was an Eden, that there really is One who loves me without condition, even when I eat too much, or when I burn the spaghetti, or have an incredibly arrogant thought, or fail to love my neighbor. When I’m not dreaming, I’ve become a Christian on a mission to be “real.” I mock Christian lingo. I roll my eyes if I have to hear one more time about what “God’s doing” in someone’s life or how “awesome” someone’s time of prayer was this morning. But I’m not real. I’m just calloused. I’m just calloused because I am afraid. I’m afraid to find out what it means to take God at His word, to believe that if I delight myself in Him, He will be faithful to give me the desires of my heart."

(http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/1516)

I'm calling December my month.

2009-12-11T17:55:00.001-05:00

Pretty soon I'll be living on my own. Well, with a roommate. And honestly, everyday I remind myself to pray that I'll be able to be selfless enough. What scares me the most about moving out and moving in is that our interior design will clash..... So I have to remind myself to get a head start on becoming less..... whatever it is that I am.

I tell her everyday that she's going to hate me. But she rebuttals with, "I would've already hated you by now if I was ever going to hate you." The fact on the streets is that everything changes when you live day in and day out with someone. Which I believe, therefore it scares me. But mainly because of the interior design.

Such petty things get the best of me. Always have.

It's the weekend! And a good one at that, Lakeland and Disney. I don't know if I've ever needed some Disney magic so much before in my life. I feel as though within these past two days I've been packing good things into my soul, and I'm just gonna let that Magic seal it right in for good.

My heart, copied and pasted.

2009-12-08T22:44:00.000-05:00

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/1516

"We do it differently. For me it’s the never-ending dream of some faceless outdoorsy guitar-playing poet, who will want me only, even though I suffer from random bloody noses and still sleep with a blanket named “Buddy.” I convince myself that finding some guy who will join me in passionate discussions about the use of metaphor or take me fly fishing in Colorado will finally bring some completion to that lonely section of me. That dream gets all jumbled up with everything else. At work lately, I can’t focus, thinking how great it would be to be somewhere else with poet boy whose hair just might be cutely sticking out of his cap. It gets worse sometimes, like when I’m at a concert and can put a name and a face on him: making him the dreamy singer/songwriter on stage, convincing myself that he’s “the one” and fantasizing that any minute now he’ll just look up from his song, past the stage lights and faces of screaming girls, see me across the room, drop his guitar, and run out the door with me into some lovely sunset, into the movie I’ve always hoped my life would be.

For Molly, it’s the struggle to understand how to respond to her best friend who stood in front of her two nights ago saying he loved her, when she knows she wants him, but doesn’t know how to be in love.

Did I mention that I was in love once? I loved a guy whose heart was good, kind, pure. And he tried to love me. He just didn’t. After two years of trying to make myself wantable, maybe I just became hard inside, a cynic, or maybe worse, a dreamer of things like Ed, like faceless poet boy: imaginary people who are too perfect to be real. Maybe I’m just scared of how lonely my life post-college seems, of how quickly my waistline seems to be expanding, of how maybe I should have worked harder for the guy who didn’t want me.

Maybe I have lived in this fallen world so long that I have forgotten that there ever was an Eden, that there really is One who loves me without condition, even when I eat too much, or when I burn the spaghetti, or have an incredibly arrogant thought, or fail to love my neighbor. When I’m not dreaming, I’ve become a Christian on a mission to be “real.” I mock Christian lingo. I roll my eyes if I have to hear one more time about what “God’s doing” in someone’s life or how “awesome” someone’s time of prayer was this morning. But I’m not real. I’m just calloused. I’m just calloused because I am afraid. I’m afraid to find out what it means to take God at His word, to believe that if I delight myself in Him, He will be faithful to give me the desires of my heart.

Maybe we’re all like Carol, just scared of being dumped on. Maybe I just keep missing the message of the Gospel, which is above all else the story of a Creator who made a perfect place for a creation that would reject it. The story of a Creator who still hasn’t given up on Eden, who is still restoring me, despite my resistance. The story of a Creator who loves me, who would teach me to delight in Him, if I could just believe. "

2009-12-04T23:56:00.000-05:00

All these lonely hearts just lookin' for security..

day dreaming about their security.

planning their security.

securitysecuritysecurity

Whatever the form, I suppose.

As if it all could ever be more unsure.

At this current point in life, all that seems really up for grabs... and there's nothing I can do about it but, live. Walk. Move. Forward.

Time is caging me.

Watch out, world.

2009-11-25T01:33:00.000-05:00

Occasionally I get scared that I don't live my life enough.

I'm inspired, and I'm climbing out of this hole.

I'm gonna grasp hold of all my dreams, whatever, wherever they are, and make them the new reality. One measly step at a time.

Bailie, meet perseverance. Perseverance, Bailie.

.......... Here we go..

Yes, please.

2009-11-21T13:04:00.000-05:00

bedhead.

2009-11-19T17:40:00.000-05:00

oh, half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
half of my heart takes time
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that I can't keep loving you

oh with half of my heart

half of my heart's got a real good imagination
half of my heart's got you
half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
that half of my heart won't do

half of my heart is a shot gun wedding to a bride with a paper ring
and half of my heart is the part of a man who's never truly loved anything

_______________________

Maybe it's just not my year. I've noticed that sometimes I spend my days gearing up for war against any possible negative emotion that would even dare arise. Read, roll the windows down, sing along to that "Skinny Dippin'" song. Only some days. Some days are easier than others, yet there are some that I feel take incredible amounts work.

This morning I had plans to give up for a day. I didn't wanna try so hard. I didn't feel like working so strenuously for some peace that may come and then surely evaporate. No effort. We can actually form all those "didn'ts" into "don'ts" and it would still fit. Somewhat.

This is so cynical, but I mean... it's where I am. I'm being honest. Transparent, if you will. Which I think counts for more than masking it all over. This is what's happening. Reality.

Rarely- in fact this is only the second time so far- do I want to not give any effort to make it a good one. This morning I just didn't care that I was 'fainting in the day of adversity.' Didn't mind being "weak." And yet at the same time, I'm not condemned because I feel that, Ya know... I'm being honest with God, okay. And He'll work with that. Which He does, so clearly. I'll get up, but sometimes I'd just like to lie down. Rest up a little.

I woke up and declared exhaustion.

Soon it will pass.

In the meantime, I will continue to answer that common question with an "Okay." and a smile.

Good things are heading my way... I'm just.. so tired.

The current state of me.

2009-11-12T15:02:00.001-05:00

I'm not exactly sure what it is, but my soul is extra sensitive lately. At the most random moments my chest has gotten heavy and my eyes filled to the brim. Not out of sadness... but from something deeper, and more earnest.

I went with one of my friends to her youth service this week. I've been there once before, so it wasn't that completely vulnerable sense that accompanies new situations where you feel you have to guard your pride.. It was just, fine. Peaceful. When the "sermon time" came around, the message wasn't exactly a 'message', but more of a heart to heart from the pastor to the men in the room. He hadn't planned it, just felt it was the right thing to do, and as he said all these things to the guys, I mean obviously the only thing to do on my behalf was sit and listen. This could've led to a loss of attention or creating awkwardness out of the heavy silence, but it didn't. The silences captured and prepared my heart for the 4 sentences he said to us "ladies" nearing the end. They were simple truths, these words of his, about our husbands somewhere out there. Those simple one's that we hear all the time. But this time... I don't know what it was, maybe the way he said it so earnestly, so caring, so... true. It overwhelmed me in a number of different ways. The hope of what's waiting for me. A hope for a prized possession I'll get one day. A hope of something on earth strong enough to latch completely on to and be, safe. Immediately my eyes filled and I had to do all I could to restrain myself from letting them fall. Those 4 sentences meant so much to me....

We got up for one last worship song. Lead me to the cross. All I could think the whole time was how jealous God is. He is so jealous for me.. very, very jealous for me. And that just makes me love Him all the more.

Then today I started a new read. Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller.[ Mainly, that man has a profound way of getting to me in the first place. His words have changed my life. ] As I was reading the Author's note, I was already being moved so deeply. I think it was building in me the whole time, but as I read this sentence while failing to pay attention in my US Government class I almost lost it.

And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children at play.

and then this one word, he emphasizes, leave. And ends it all with, Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.

Who am I, and what am I supposed to do with myself?

I'm always reminded of Juno MacGuff's immortal words, I don't really know what kind of girl I am.

I really don't know precisely what I love, where I should go, or what I should prepare for. I'm just living, which is really okay for now. It will take me where I need to be and I'm confident that I won't be led astray. I'm open. Free. And light, so that I can be swept wherever this wind wills to carry me.

Round 3 this summer? Please?

2009-11-09T16:22:00.000-05:00

Taca 2009 from Megan Mercier on Vimeo.

Enhancements....

2009-11-08T20:29:00.000-05:00

A) I need to get into diligent mode for a day or two so I can coast again. Clearly when I have work to do, I procrastinate. I considered pulling a Jordan O'connor tonight [staying up til 3 and rising at 6 to do school work] but..... I just don't think so. Ps, Hyords..... I have a divine respect for your ability to do such a thing.

B) I'd like to blog more. Which in turn will force me to write in better allusions. And preferably not in the "weird" way, so... I'll be gettin' on that.

C) I keep telling myself, "If only I was less sleepy....." when the fact is, I am always going to be sleepy. And I'm over letting life pass by while I whine about my heavy lids.

D) The weather better not go back to 90 degrees. My gingerbread latte needs to be complimented with crisp, fall air.

E) I can't watch Home Alone without a giddy laugh. I love it SO much! Bring on the Christmas cheer! Aka.......... feel free to buy me a holiday WoodWick.

& to everything there is a season.

2009-11-03T20:51:00.001-05:00

I've realized something about myself this year. When troubled waters rise and stress comes even remotely in my direction..... I would rather just lie down. Just lay, and let it rush over me.

I don't want to fight it; I've never been much of a fighter. And I hardly want to test my strength to stand against it... I'm just too tired for all that.

I've also realized that this isn't exactly the best approach. Because life goes on...... and I can't lie around forever. So, living just comes in waves nowadays. I'm calling it a season.

And though I love Jesus Christ with so much of me and I fully believe, hope, trust, and have seen that everything works out perfectly in it's timing. That I have a future and a hope. That ALL THINGS work together for good. And that I will learn grand lessons out of all this..

That doesn't stop the blindside wails to my inner organs.

I still genuinely want out of this season as fast as possible.

Who says I have to abide by these "real world" restrictions?

2009-10-03T01:35:00.000-04:00

So, the other night I'm driving home and I have this epiphany..

A preface: I've always been a little nervous that I wish my love life- whenever, wherever,whoever- to be too much like a movie. A little nervous that I set my bar far too high and that I can't possibly expect such a thing in the 'real world.'

Well... Driving away, instead of racing thoughts, I had one.... single.. simple, peaceful feeling. A single thought that led into a labyrinth of complete settlement.

I think I'm gonna get my movie.

I really, really think that some day, I'm gonna get that movie scene romance I've so heavily dreamt of.

And no single thought of mine has ever felt more incredible. :)

an update

2009-09-29T00:29:00.000-04:00

So here's what's goin on in my life....

I impulsively joined the cross country team. I haven't ran/ done any legit physical activity in a year or more, so the challenge is obvious. At the time, it simply felt right. Usually when I'm impulsive my peace tends to pull the reigns.... but that never happened, so I went through with it.... And I'll keep on. But only because I want to be good to those people I now call teammates. And only by the endurance that He must douse me in. It's right... but that doesn't make it any less challenging.

I'd love for my new journal to be at my house when I get home tomorrow.

Some things in my life that I'm quite involved in may be changing... who knows which way it will turn. It's one of those "things" that I have absolutely no control over. One of those things that can either force me to be stronger than I am, or turn into quite a tizzy. I know three things, and these three things I will hold onto for dear life- 1. Everything is made perfect in it's time. 2. Everything works out for good. and 3. I'm told to be anxious for nothing, and then the peace of God will guard my heart and mind.

In another spectrum, things are pretty locked in now. Summer to school was a rough transition... But I made it. And I've settled down. :)

I wont lie.... my current emotion is half scared to death, half knowing that I need to be in complete peace and chill. Oh, the challenges of daily living.. It's really just not doing a wonder on my skin's complexion..

2009-09-28T23:12:00.000-04:00

Lift your arms, only heaven knows where the danger grows
And it's safe to say there's a bright light up ahead and help is on the way.

I forget the last time I felt brave, I just recall insecurity
Cause it came down like a tidal wave and sorrow swept over me
Then I was given grace and love
I was blind but now I can see
Cause I've found a new hope from above
And courage swept over me

The end is uncertain
And I've never been so afraid
But I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope
And that makes me feel brave

*Owl City

02/02/09 - 09/22/09

2009-09-22T21:35:00.000-04:00

So my latest journal is packed to the brim.. overflowing, actually, since I haven't gone through with getting a new one just yet. I'm giving it to one of my best friends tomorrow so I decided to go ahead and read it. All the way through. From cover to cover... Ya know, I'm just not sure how I did that.

At times I was INCREDIBLY bored with my whining and rejoicing... but I'm glad I went through with it. I was surprised..... as chaotic as I thought I/that was..... it was actually very systemized. All of the entries flow. Though some HUGE portions were left out, I could connect the dots and fill in the missing puzzle pieces to recall the full life that the paragraph was outlining. What I'm saying is- I just read the book of my life from February 2009 to today. All of the ups, downs, twists, and turns.

As I was reading, I couldn't help but notice the start of things that are now worn out. At the time they seemed so fresh, and so frail... and today they seem almost hardened. Gray, even. But I hope that's just my wacked imagination. I'd like to think that we all have simply grown, not decayed and lessened.

2009-09-20T14:53:00.000-04:00

Anything other than Yes is No,

Anything other than Stay is Go,

Anything less than I love you is lying.

just chillin on chaos ave..

2009-09-08T23:39:00.000-04:00

I'm selfish

needy

jealous

pretty much a mess.

I'd like to be approachable

a source of joy

transparent

and fun.

I'd like to get over this hump

find peace in an area without

and, in turn, become even brighter.

& not for my own benefit either.

Here's to a new me. This one's for You.

Hey.

2009-09-02T17:31:00.000-04:00

This is just a little note for you in case you happen to stumble upon my little web journal. Truth is- I'll probably nail you with some kind of hint..

Maybe it's more of a thank you.

I've been a bit love-stricken lately, and I'll have you know that this new season is starting out nicer than any before. Fall never lets anyone down, really.. Even if it's not "technically" fall, I've already made the transition. So be it. But, just so you know, I feel warmer than ever, safer than ever, happier than ever, and more comfortable and calm than ever- despite all of the other circumstances my little world brings.

I know that everything in this life is a constant trip through the mountains, but I'd be pleased if these feelings could be infinite. Part of me believes they can. One way or another. It's mainly a fire that you have to tend to in order to keep the ship at a decent pace. And that's always the plan anyways.

Easy.

Thanks for it all thus far, and cheers to what's ahead!

att;

2009-08-26T23:47:00.000-04:00

I got let go from my first job today. It's not as bad as it seems..... They hired me only if I understood that I was labeled 'temporary' and that they could let me go at any time. So I mean, it wasn't a huge shocker.

But I just wanted to point out how ridiculous my attachments can be... Here's a little story:

Tonight, after I was informed that it was my last night, I decided to stay a little longer to prove diligence and commitment. One of my supervisors brings me a paper and my job is to find that shoe and bring all the remaining pairs of the like. So, I do it... I know where all these babies are, so it's easy. What's funny is that when I came to the girls' Skechers and had to get the Bubble Runs, the Miss Priss', and the Jogoramas... knowing that they were going to be shipped away... I felt sad, and I felt close to them. Like we had something in common or just that I was saying goodbye to something I held dear. I'd arranged those boxes with the clever, girly names on them over a thousand times- Out of the entire store, I could say they were my best friends. And I had to retrieve them to send them off to some concentration camp while I left them as a free woman.

Soon I realized that I was attached to boxes of Skechers shoes....

And even when I recognize the ridiculousness of it all.. I'm still a bit gloomy...

Closure

2009-08-23T20:47:00.000-04:00

I accepted the end of summer tonight as I drove away from that house.

A couple hours before I left I kept feeling a deep sadness in the pit of my soul. I almost could've cried, really... Instead, I laughed. Laughed so hard that my eyes teared, my forehead sweat, I was literally moaning, and my shirt actually smelt slightly sour due to the sudden perspiration. Late nights on Photobooth when you morph your face and record a video? then watch your creation a day later... it never gets old.

Anyway, I said my goodbyes. Making them short, of course, cause I'll be back soon. When I walked out the door I was overcome with the scent of freshly mown grass, aka the epitome of summer scents. The weather was even decently cool, almost like Fall was trying to welcome me easily.. With that inspiration I rolled down my windows and took the long way home so I could drive on my favorite road. Went classic with Death Cab as my soundtrack, my heart full yet so empty. Goodbyes I tell ya, even to seasons, they get me every time.

Though, I am at a peace. Soon I will gather things for responsible-life and start new in the morning. And I will be positive.... Because this is my last year.

And things are new.

And things are just, good.

And Fall is my absolute favorite of all the seasons.

mmmmm, bring it on.

"Oh, my soul sings hallelujah"

2009-08-17T13:45:00.000-04:00

Birthday

2009-08-12T23:51:00.000-04:00

On August 11th I turned a year older and celebrated the day with my boyfriend at Disney World. Now I know I'm one for exaggerations, but in all honesty... It was possibly my favorite day in all of my life. Well, at least I know it made top 3.

I rolled out of bed and drove to his home where I knew I'd receive my secret gift that he'd been working on, and then we would depart for Orlando.. I arrived, walked upstairs, and was seated in front of the iMac. It was a video. And it was the best gift that I have ever received in my whole life. With a run time of around 11 minutes, this little gift was a bunch of short video clips of some that I hold dear leaving me a nice "Happy Birthday" in their own perfect way. I teared up and couldn't stop smiling and laughing. Just another one of those moments where I felt like I'd explode. I could not be more thankful.... Oh man.

A good start to the day. :)

We conquered all 4 parks in 1 day, making sure we hit the essentials. Nearly all of the cast members wished me Happy Birthday, a few even personalized it for me. Every minute and all of the sweat due to the 108 degree weather was priceless, really..

Nearing departure time we made our way to sit and watch Magic Kingdom's firework show. A mass of people crowd around the castle to watch this and we wanted a seat near the center, so I grabbed his hand and just let him lead me while I made sure not to step on the feet and hands below me. At this moment I felt everyone around me. All of the different races, religions, backgrounds, cultures, and beliefs. The weight of it all engulfed me and mainly made me feel warm and united. The show started, and conveniently I had one of those stubborn crews that refuse to sit blocking my view. Therefore I was forced to only listen. Which led to me thinking about bringing my kids to this show. And the realization of how young I really am. Being so young, that I'm here with this boy, and that we say we love each other, and what if I married him and we brought our kids here. It all just struck me as odd... so, so weird. I wanted the fireworks to end and I wanted to get the good coffee from the bakery and go through the shops one last time before we hit the road.

Late car rides home always hit the spot. The jokes just get a bit brighter.

The whole day was perfect... It couldn't have been tweaked in the slightest for an upgrade. To anyone who even had a thought cross their mind about my birthday, thank you. I've never felt so much love, and I genuinely could not have asked for more.

Here's to being seventeen!

My mission: give blood.

2009-08-03T23:42:00.000-04:00

So, I started my first job today. At Shoe Carnival.

I won't lie, a few days ago I was a wee bit nervous, but that just turned into excitement. I became, and still am, SO excited for God to move through me in the 'real' world. / I'm just excited to be in a constant state of helping all kinds of people.

I accidently arrived 45 minutes early......... so I sat in the parking lot trying to pass my time by looking for new ringtones on my phone.. between searches I watched families walk in and walk out and all I wanted to do was help them in that store! 2 o'clock could not have come any sooner!

It came. I went through training, I "wallpapered" the store, picked up trash, and made attempts to help out customers. [wallpapering is making sure all of the boxes are nice and straight. and that shoelaces are tucked inside shoes.]

I even got a lanyard with my name on it. I'm totally official.

Oh, and the main man's ringtone...... it's Jesus Freak by dc Talk.

Oh, Taca. <3

2009-08-02T23:19:00.001-04:00

Hush

2009-08-01T14:14:00.000-04:00

I made a decision that I am a walking box of conjumbled thoughts, and- on occasion- I can fit them together to make a flowing description.

In my bag right now there are two journals, a scrap receipt with a journal entry jotted down, a ripped out journal entry to put elsewhere, and a book with the last blank page full of writing. I make due- sometimes I just gotta get things out.

They seem to have nothing in common, these scraps. Ranging from a slight annoyance, to heartache, to time being my worst enemy. So far all have come to pass and reshape, but I suppose they're linked in the idea that at the time they were written, they were the main focus and/or hell. They were at one time the torment that I had to rid myself of.

the sun is growing tired of my burning fear

the moon is empathizing how i toss and turn

they say hush

A full tank.

2009-07-20T22:54:00.000-04:00

Here's the deal.

Inspiration is like my fuel.

I love social networking, and the internet- It's like people watching when you can't or don't want to leave home.

I'm kind of a creepy stalker with it, but who's not, right? I just find certain people more interesting than others and choose to view their every change. They inspire me in one way or another.. Throughout all the pictures, videos, songs, and so on.

But I never fail to see our connections. As I switch the photograph or when the video ends, I remember that's not their life 24/7. Tonight as I bathe and conduct my quirky activities in my room, more than likely they're doing the same. The thought makes me so content to live my life.. My genuine love for humans and their peculiar lives would keep me glued to this computer screen all day.

And don't even get me started on books. Those are like my horcruxes -without the whole murdering thing. Parts of my soul are embedded within every outlandish personality.

Inspiration is about putting something to work. What would be the point if we wasted time overflowing with fuel? When people with a similar mindset come across me online, I'd like them to know that I'm out living my life. I'll document some of it on here- I'll always need a basin to pour my full heart into, but I'm straight livin. Whether that be lighting a candle and reading, belting out show tunes in the car to my friends, or having a nice chat with a stranger.

I breathe it all in, and then some.

Hopes&dreams.. Mainly rambles.

2009-07-19T15:18:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I have two -legit- best friends. They're both polar opposites for the most part, but this excerpt is about the one that just came back from a month at the beach and showed up yesterday morning in church looking unrecognizable, aka gorgeous. I took her home with me, and in all our giddiness so far we've coughed out a few heart to hearts, in our own way. The topics: college and family members. I'm gonna hit on the family members convo.

Dear all who have a care for this subject,

Yes, I realize everyday that I have been sprinting full-force in the opposite direction of my family's current path. But I've needed to, and it's proving worth it. Because each day I think about it, I grow a little more content with visiting, and more importantly, I'm a day more stronger to be able to do that.

As my friend and I sat in my room discussing our oh-so-similar situations, the retelling of my own stories was really cracking up. Seeing as though every other day that I'm alive it would stress me out beyond reason, looking at it as a total joke made me feel really good.. Looking at it as a total joke made me okay with a visit because I know no matter what the visit is like, I'll be able to come back and find the hilarity in it all. Thank God for a sense of humor.

Our college plan? One more year of high school, and we've made plans that have been agreed amongst guardians that once the school year is done and locked in history, bags and boxes will be packed and she will join me in this empty home with high hopes of creating a more joyful and friendly atmosphere. We'll scrounge for change and embark on the community college excursion until the day comes where Universities summon us.. or, when we have sufficient funds to submit to them. I realize I have a whole ten months to edit and revise this a bit, but hey... it's a plan.

Summer so far.... if only we could elope. Yet when I sat in my school's gym this evening, I noticed that I'm starting to miss good ole school-life. I love it.. I love it all. Despite it's 'glitches' and 8:30 am tardy bell. One more year.. I will ingest it.

But first... Me and summer will remain strong in our relationship that has an inevitable end. Obviously, and of course.

Lastly, I love this human:

Yes.

2009-07-19T01:04:00.000-04:00

2009-07-17T18:15:00.000-04:00

"I use mouthwash, sometimes I floss.

I've got a family, and I drink cups of tea.

I've got nostalgic pavements.

I've got familiar faces.

I've got mixed up memories,

and I've got favorite places.

And I'm singin 'oh-oh' on a Friday night,

and I hope everything's gonna be alright."

It's fitting.

& it's catchy. :)

*Mouthwash- Kate Nash

Lately,

2009-07-15T17:23:00.000-04:00

My sleeping habits are atrocious. Today was the first day it bothered me.
I got called for my first interview! They seemed pretty positive towards hiring me. Which is great considering Shoe Carnival is actually my calling.
People are such gateways, really. In so many ways... this week I've realized yet again, and through other humans, why I have such love and time invested in certain people. Almost to remind me of why I don't stray, nor have interest to. I adore how intricate life is.
Things are gonna work out, simply and only because God is so good.
SoulPancake never ceases to give me a warm, close feeling. Try it sometime: http://www.soulpancake.com/

I love summer.

My little ideas, in jot formation.

2009-07-13T01:02:00.001-04:00

I feel the need to share these. There's no rhyme or order to this one, just simply have things a bubblin within me.

"Your lifestyle is a result of what's going on inside" Um..... honestly, as of late my lifestyle has been a bit chaotic. This is the statement from church this morning that hit home. And this is the verse from tonight's glance that nailed it: "I pour out my complaint before Him; I declare Him before my trouble. When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then You knew my path." Thank You.

a line from Big Fish (I only managed to see the beginning and the end) "We were like strangers who knew each other very well." Famously worded.

That's all I got. It's not much.. and I probably really do have more. But this is strictly jot-form. I'm in no mood for drawn out explanations.

Sunday DID come around though, which means there are new secrets!

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

2009-07-12T17:30:00.000-04:00

-postsecret

This has nothing to do with my lifestyle, it just adds to the excitement towards Wednesday morning at 12:01 am when I get to feast my eyes on the Half-Blood Prince, and it kind of warmed my heart as well.

Oh Harry, I just love ya.

I love this.

2009-07-06T00:04:00.000-04:00

http://www.soulpancake.com/discussion/blog/405263/scrap-paper-prayer.html

"It comes from the soul, and it is true."

2009-07-04T00:37:00.000-04:00

What I find funny is that I have officially been a Christian long enough that certain things become 'routine' and even pushed to the back burner. You know what I'm talking about... I was one who couldn't physically sleep at night unless I read my Bible. Then I read so much that I memorized it all and figured I knew the promises, so I would give God His fifty seconds of prayer as my mind is about to slip into a dream, and call it a night.

What I really noticed tonight, though, is that feeling when you're reading something from Him, or even about Him. It's a feeling of warmth, home, peace, and security. Even just a sentence makes me long for that home-y place that you can only find with Him. It brings me right back to those nights on my floor when He was all that I had, and He was exactly enough.

Really, it just makes Him real. Though it's merely a feeling, it's also a reassurance that what holds my faith is actual.

2009-06-28T00:22:00.000-04:00

"....please don't fight these hands that are holdin you."

This song took on a whole new meaning. Yes, it's being sung from God's perspective. But I was feeling that it has reference, also, to the people He puts around us. Those tangible beings He puts in our path to hold onto us, comfort us, and provide strength for the next few steps.

Summer has been kind of non-stop... I guess you could say. I haven't been able to grasp the fact that I really have no more bags to pack for trips until, like, July 25.

That's nice.

But still, my life has been flipped. Everything is in a new place. Not really "out of place".... I guess things have just fallen and now have to take root? Doesn't mean I'm totally cool with it all yet, but it means I have to become that way. I refuse to live in discontentment.

Here's the deal: I'm home. I have a list of books to read, but I'm occupied daily. Really though, I feel like that's what I need right now. I need the company more than the solitude and books. I used to think not being okay with being alone in rough times was weak, but now I'm realizing that the last thing I need is to be alone to myself and this hurricane. I need those people and families to hold onto me. At least until the storm, along with my emotions, become calm enough to survive the silence.

It will take time.

For documentation purposes: this season that I'm in is crazy. It's a whirlwind. I never really know the "plan" so, simply, I live day by day.

I'm just waiting for some sort of blueprint so I can start my books back up in peace.

...Let's end this one on a good note, shall we?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hjv9OvASlcY

6/19/09

2009-06-19T23:07:00.000-04:00

I'm not having a good night.

Here are some tears.

To you, and her, and this, and me.

My mourning for every last one of you.

It's only a bad night. It'll be over soon enough.

Welcome home.

2009-06-16T14:53:00.000-04:00

I don't like goodbyes, but I'm almost fond of the small, bittersweet moments in time that follow. That feeling of taking it all in one last time as you drive away. Knowing that it's over and it was good and that there's a new chapter ready to be written once you get out of the still, content mourning of the last.

I'm okay with that, as long as I have that to focus on instead of the goodbye. I don't like the goodbye.

On the plane today I sat by a man who kept looking over at me, so I took my headphones out.. his body language was clearly trying to communicate. He said that I look so calm and comfortable and asked, "Do you fly often?" "Yes," I replied. "This is only my second time.." "It's my over-100th time, so I'm fairly used to it." We exchanged smiles. His body language still seemed anxious for communication, but I wanted to listen to my music and, at the time, wasn't entirely into creating conversation out of thin air. As I sat there with my soundtrack playing and my eyes wandering the plane, I made a decision that I would be entirely content if I were to die with a group of complete strangers.

My grandpa greeted me out by baggage claim. [I call him Gumball.] He had a nice, little black gift bag. When he sat it down I accidentally got a peak inside to see that there was a little card with my name and some writing on it. That alone warmed my heart.. We got to the car and from the bag he handed me a little box with a little card on top that read "Bay. Welcome Back. Gumball." As he was giving me all the explanation in the world concerning the gift, I opened it to find a nice, durable key chain with a dangling, ceramic Pomeranian. Immediately I started crying... It may be the most precious gift that I have ever received. Considering the current situation in my life, that little, ceramic Pomeranian means the world to me. I couldn't stop the tears, and he couldn't stop the nervous chatter.

The bag still had another gift in it. Another box with another little note to his wife:

"Flora Mai. For making me a father. Ron"

Ocala, I'm home. & my heart is so, so full.

summer escapade vol. 1

2009-06-12T01:46:00.000-04:00

I've really been hands-on involved in this whole beach experience.

Even though I don't even like the beach, and I'm hanging out with an entire group of friends that I met only a few days ago. [They're my cousin's closest buds, and I've noticed that they're all kinda like my "group" of friends.. but with a few tweaks.] Their humor and general ambience has been keeping my lungs in good shape and it's always nice to engage in others' lives. I'm into that.

This has just been a surprisingly good time. A creation of a superb memory.

Truth is, this island world's end is inevitable, and the facts are:

I need a job.

I am in love with Ocala, Florida.

I will find a slip n slide this summer. All of my friends will hang out on it.

I need to take the SAT.

Hey now

2009-06-10T03:33:00.000-04:00

"We're passing the time
We're breaking apart
We're damned at the end
We're damned at the start
Blame it on the roses
Blame it on the red
Running out of time
Running out of breath

Saying hey now you're bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own.."

isn't it all about contradictions and pride? when will we grow up and love? all of us. everywhere. and especially to those whom we bestow this word upon.

Love is: patient & kind

Love doesn't: envy, boast, or gird itself with pride. dishonor others, seek itself, anger easily, or keep up with tallies of wrongdoing.

Love always: protects. trusts. hopes. preserves.

& above all, It never fails.

what is there to lose besides pride, which isn't even that cool anyway?

via Target's bookshelf

2009-06-05T23:05:00.000-04:00

"I want to be

like the waves of the sea,

like the clouds in the wind,

but I'm me.

One day I'll jump

out of my skin.

I'll shake the sky

like a hundred violins."

Hey, Summer.

2009-06-04T17:55:00.000-04:00

Today I officially bid farewell to my junior year of high school. I was only sentimental for about five minutes and had two of my best friends hold onto my hands.. because I knew the truth. I just get so attached to things and hardly embrace change well, but I can take it on head first. The day started dragging on and I just wanted to leave... We're all in need of a rest.

I know that "yearbook signing" is for the memories when you're thirty and looking back, but this year I kept having to fight off the feeling that it's just so trivial. I mean, I have plenty of drawings, cards, letters, notes- tangible, better, and more meaningful things to remind me of who I was and what I thought was so funny. I fear I'm being cynical... but really, I know that I'm the farthest thing from a cynic.. So I'll be okay with that opinion for now.

A few things that significally brightened today:

Pam Lange's voicemail recording. Call her and pray for no answer. It's precious.
My car running out of gas and breaking down because I drive on empty, and Gumball coming to the rescue. It rocked.
The new lavender scent that encompasses my room.

I'm in the mood for good, fun days.

faint hums and a spritz of closure.

2009-05-31T22:29:00.000-04:00

So the iPod connection cord to my car scarcely works nowadays. This means I resort to the four Incubus CD's in my disk changer because sometimes I can't quite embrace The Joy FM- and those are all I got.. I'm sure God understands. But I just wanted some Phil Wickham tonight, so I turned it all off and started belting out hymns. At some points I was yelling, at others faintly humming, but all the while my mind was churning at light speed. The new found stillness had me taken aback. It was like I was holding on to those hymns for dear life and if I let go my sanity would fall away with them. I knew I wasn't fit to deal with silence tonight, just not this night, so I made a point not to stop the noise.

This weekend has been loud and busy. Friday afternoon the seniors graduated, and soon after the parties ensued. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. There wasn't much quiet, so when all I had was my own scratchy voice and the thrum of my engine, it hit me.

It's over. Life is moving on. This is the start of a brand new season.

I can accept that. Well... the hymns helped me swallow acceptance with a little more ease than I could've conjured on my own. I'm so happy for the new lives that are being unleashed from high school bondage, but selfishly and maybe with a shadow of teenage immaturity, I have a tinge of sad feeling left over. I thought I was cool with it as I was writing all my catchy farewell notes, but those years have really, completely ended.

Farewell to seeing you in the hallway and making it vital that I spend 30 seconds with you.

Farewell to secret notes in your locker.

Farewell to tardies in the morning because we waited 'til 8:28 to get out of the car.

Farewell to yelling made up words across campus and lame school lunches.

I guess it's simply bittersweet.

& this is my attempt at closure.

These years will pale in comparison to what's up ahead.. With that, I can boldly move on.

Dear Optimism, save me.

love, Bailie

Comfort.

2009-05-26T02:20:00.000-04:00

Last I checked, it's somewhere around 1:55 am and I can't sleep for the life of me. Maybe it's this bed, the heat, the cold, not enough room- I can't find comfort.

Careful not to disturb the soul sleeping soundly to my right, I gather my necessities.

Ponytail holder & 1 bobby pin.

Bible.

Bubble bath.

And a towel.

I creep down to the basement, checking the other bedroom on my way-there's life though it's asleep. I reach my destination, open the door, close and lock it. Turn the faucet on, plug the drain, squeeze the body wash directly into the streaming water and watch the current drag bits and pieces of thick liquid to the center of the tub. Some bubbles materialize and I step away to the mirror to examine the new, unexplainable red dots spread across my torso. How odd..

I step in and sit still and watch the water rise. I've never been in this tub, and I don't like it, but it will do. It is sterile, there is no comfort. I turn the faucet to the left for more heat. It burns my feet, but I like the way it feels when it reaches my arms, so I will endure. I make attempts to pray, but my mind is clouded with other things to think about. I'm dead tired, but can't find sleep, so I'm down here in this tub. I try again with prayers.

At this mental stand still, I realize what exactly I'm doing. It's somewhere past 2 in the morning and I am alone in a sterile bathtub in an empty basement. I should be finding peace, but instead I'm sitting here making analogies from the heat of the water. That's my comfort- Analogies. I sit alone in hot water, unable to sleep, trying out new analogies between life and burning H2O that is engulfing my body.

This is the part that I would like to add "Really?" and end the paragraph, but the truth is that that is very typical me, so I can't quite end it so sarcastically this time.

I turn off the water but don't unplug the drain-I have plans to return. Grab a towel, and creep back upstairs. The T.V. that was on in the other room is now off and everything is darker. I grab what I think I need and return to my sterile, barely visited abode. I sit beside the full tub and type this because -somehow- I believe releasing this will bring me my much needed comfort and peace. Plan B is that it will waste enough time for me to discover drowsiness again.

For now, I suppose I'll go finish my story. Goodnight, World.

Indiana, here I come.

2009-05-22T14:13:00.000-04:00

I'm on my way to Tampa to get on a plane and fly to the grand state of Indiana. My "technical" home. A large, very large, chunk of my being.

These trips are always spontaneous and I hardly know a thing about times, departures, and arrivals. I've grown into going with the flow- whichever way that flow drifts.

I was resenting this trip a little. But I'm doing everything I can to turn that resentment into expectations.

I will. I have to.

Some pluses?

my fun, loving family members that are never, ever dull.

my dog.

sleeping in!

probably good weather.

It will go well. And I will embrace it all as it comes. The fact of the matter is that whichever direction the flow moves me, I've always got a pack of crazy fools waiting on my return to central Florida!

2009-05-18T17:16:00.000-04:00

So I just got around to reading The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. It's pullin' for number one in my favorites category. Throughout the book I was making myself a bit nervous, though, because at times I could relate to her a little too closely. This only frightened me because she ends up in an asylum for attempting suicide several times. No biggie.

But she doesn't feel anything, and when I can't feel anything, I make changes so that I will. Because I'm scared I'll end up like she did if I don't. That's our comforting difference.

Lately I've been pondering how each point/portion/thing in our life is a season that will come to a close. Well, it produced comfort and also an untraceable worry.. I was scared of something. Maybe that I shouldn't try so hard to evoke so much feeling out of life. I'm not too sure why that arose, but I started rethinking everything that I stood for, and after I concluded page 244 of that novel, I made my decision.

I will continue to siphon every last ounce of feeling that I can out of this life. Out of all of my seasons that will come and go. Out of all the people that will pass through, or stay for a while. I will feel the sadness, the melancholy, the nostalgia, the happiness, the pure joy, the rush, and the peaceful silence.

I will embrace everything. And when I let go, I will take the lessons and the memories with me.

I will be rich and full and alive.

This post is nothing new. It's simply my declaration to my future and my official announcement that I'm going to put my big, sentimental heart to good use in this world.

I'm over my lifejacket.

2009-05-13T17:28:00.000-04:00

The truth about me is that I'm seriously always tired- even on my best days. If I were to stop and sit still for a few minutes, I would fall out. So usually when night time rolls around I'm begging for sleep and morning never ceases to come too early..

So there's my preface.

Well, last night as I turned my lamp off and laid down next to my friend who'd been asleep for hours, I found my eyes wide and my heart beating out of my chest. It was nearing 11 and I was lying there in pitch black feeling more alive than I had all day.

I loved it.

And I easily came to the decision that I would gladly lose a little sleep to feel that good and in tune with life's rhythm.

Maybe it's the book I'm reading... I could be subconsciously inspired. I don't know. But that feeling rolled over into today and I found myself more engaged with everything and everyone around me, which is basically all that I live for.

I have no gist or moral to this story, really. Life is honestly just so rich, and one way or another, it's always gonna work out.

I'm done being scared about the unknown waters; I'm content to swim- even swim deeper than what's "safe"- and enjoy the scenery while I'm at it.

"O-o-old habits die hard....."*

2009-05-09T11:28:00.000-04:00

So I got my boyfriend's graduation announcement in the mail this morning.

That's normal- People graduate. Things change. Seasons come and go.

And we then are forced to move on to something else. Maybe even something bigger.

But that's normal.

What I didn't realize is the sentimentality that's lying dormant inside of me about this event. I ripped it open and saw his little picture. I guess I finally realized what I was actually holding. I looked at my mom and said, "Oh, this is so sad..."

Tears filled my eyes, but I hid them well. I remembered how just yesterday he asked me if I was going to cry at graduation and I was kinda 50/50 on the answer. I could see it, but at the same time I couldn't.

Then my mom said something simple that I'm throwing all of my strength on, just because it's the only thing that will give me courage to face these upcoming events.

"It's not sad. We move from one thing to another."

I walked into my room and sat the invitation down on my dresser.

I almost don't ever want to look at it again, but how mature would that be?

I have to face things. Even if I face them with tears.

It's just an invitation for goodness sake! I can do this.

*Sentimental Heart- She and Him

hard friendships

2009-05-06T14:56:00.000-04:00

It'd be too easy if we could just decide to stop doing things, or not show up, or not give our all because we simply don't feel like it. Ya know.. that "drop it and walk away without a care" mentality.

Things are kinda heavy right now, and today I'm not friends with responsibility.

The thing about responsibility, though, is that you have to be her friend.

Ugh.

But I figure that she's much wiser than I, and for that reason alone I can handle keeping her close.

My eyes water when I put my makeup on,

2009-05-03T16:37:00.000-04:00

but I love that I have friends close enough to sleep in the same bed as me.

I never feel like I have enough sleep,

but I'm always retaining too much fun and love to even think about a nap.

I cried earlier today,

but then I remembered a few words of strength and that I have an army of people who love me.

Sometimes things get stale, quiet, and old,

but I always have nice weather at sunset and a trampoline to share it with.

On occasion fears try to pull me under,

but I've got a load of flowers in my immediate view to remind me why I'm not allowed to worry.

So when it comes down to it, I really don't care that my eyes water when I put on a little makeup.

It just caught my ear.

2009-04-30T16:16:00.000-04:00

"All that we can't say

Is all we need to hear"

- Never Leave Lonely Alone

By Ben Harper

The song itself is pretty melancholy. I'd probably like it if I felt like sulking... which I'm not in the mood for right now.

Slash, that line is all that my english teacher ever teaches us. How to say what we really mean, and say it clearly. One day it's going to click and I'll get the hang of it.

to Who made me, and with all of this madness intact:

2009-04-28T23:25:00.000-04:00

So I'm having an anxiety issue.

It's too bad that in the process of a genuine attempt to have a quiet heart and mind, things tend to get so much louder. In my valiant efforts to quiet my soul, the volume of my [however useless] noise raises considerably..

I wish it could be as easily done as it is said.

I mean, sometimes I guess it is..

Maybe I just have too big of a heart. Yeah, that's it!

But, no... how rude of me to say such a thing. If I was made to have this heart, please, I beg of You, let me spread it around nice and evenly so that it won't come back to fall at my feet. Please let my inner peace and discretion and stability reign instead of this jerk perturbation that is choking my senses.

There must be some sort of compromise for such a blessing, right?

I just want to be quiet.

Could I be more oblivious...? When I ask, I always end up quiet and still- no matter how loud I get before the calm overtakes me. But that's just the thing- I end up there. I hate the road leading. I'd give anything for a new route!

I just don't know. And the truth is that I won't until the time comes.

How typical, right?

I need to start taking, and correctly swallowing, my daily doses of contentment again.

To whoever reads this thing.

2009-04-20T21:41:00.001-04:00

I do wish that I had a catchy little poem to write for you. Something inspiring and well poised. But, I don't. I haven't much to write of at all.

Or do I?

For the past week or so there has been one thing on the forefront of my mind: God's incredible faithfulness. I make attempts to avoid constantly writing spiritual blogs; it's simply just the only thing on my mind as of late. Sometimes it's the only thing on my mind "as of usual," if that makes sense.. Also, this blog is more of a journal anyway. If you haven't realized that yet.. I'm no writer; I simply get inspired and jot things down for the world to see. My grammar, punctuation, and word choice could be off, but hey, I'm just here to open my heart up for all who are interested- In hopes of unleashing something larger than myself.

To share a little, I've spent the past few years questioning several things. I'm not sure if all that questioning has gotten me somewhere, but I am, indeed, somewhere. Whether they helped or not.

And that transitional period that I last wrote about, it's becoming tangible.

God has been really close to me lately. Maybe it's because I refuse to question such things anymore.. But the fact is that He has been my constant companion. I've been bringing it all before Him, and He's been really bailing me out. I've got notches of faith to punch into my belt, so that when I look down, I can visibly remember His faithfulness.

The faithfulness that wasn't simply a mindset or nice idea or something taught and never grasped, but the faithfulness that I watched unravel directly before me. His faithfulness that stopped my quicksand questions.

This time I won't be able to be so forgetful.

2009-04-16T16:51:00.000-04:00

I strongly believe that I'm in a transitional spot in my life..

I just can't wait 'til I'm transitioned.

But in the meantime, I've got a lot of things to look forward to within the upcoming months!

"Father Time steals our days like a thief.."

2009-04-10T23:06:00.000-04:00

I realized after my last post that I'm always writing about bettering myself to a new step in life's stairs. Or about how I am determined to be a greater, more advanced version of myself. And you know what, I'm fine with that.. I always want to be moving forward and stepping up; I can't stay stagnant and unhappy with my idleness. That's just not me.

So there's that little tangent. Has nothing to do with the next one.

Tonight I went over to my boyfriend's house for a few hours. We had dinner with his family and so on. It was cozy. I had about an hour left before I needed to leave and he was working on a project on his computer. I, being the biggest distraction on earth, just wanted him to put it away and lay on the couch with me. He did. :) We were laying/sitting there, half sharing secrets and half wrestling, and every time he would sit still and look at me I would cover my face and giggle. [Mind you, we've been together for around 2 1/2 years now.] It was like I was 14 and he had just told me that he "liked" me. All that time, I never thought about any "hard times" we'd had in the past that brought us to where we are, I just thought about how fun and compatible and precious we are together. I knew I had responsibilities to tend to at home, but I never, ever wanted to leave that moment. My phone's pre-set alarm kept singing out Jon Foreman lyrics in intervals of 5 minutes to warn me of the time. I only got up to dismiss it because I didn't want it to annoy anyone, because I surely did not care. We made our way to my car to say the goodbyes that we say so often, and plenty more goodbyes that we have to voice on the road ahead of us. I remember every one... And that I never want them and that they always set me back on time, but I don't ever mind. I think they're worth it.

As I was driving away recalling that last hour, I said to myself, "THAT is the only reason I need. And that is why my heart is so inclined to his."

Forgive me if my little love story wasted your time. I just wanted to share my personal epiphany of today with the world.

Goodnight, good day.

2009-04-08T17:27:00.000-04:00

Selfishness.... I read in my high school text book that it's the route of all evil.

I can believe that.

It always bothers me when others are clearly selfish. Clear because it's plainly evident and on the surface, or clear because you've figured them out in the time that you've spent together. Whether on a large scale or small, selfishness is on my nerves.

But ya know, I'm just as selfish for wanting them to be less selfish and 'notice me,' or whatever I want.

My new main goal is to become that wise woman who builds her house instead of tears it down with her own hands. Being selfish, to me, is like becoming obnoxiously clumsy and tearing down all my hard work in sheer seconds.. Which is also embarrassing. I'm over that. In the words of Augustana, I'm "breakin' up with my breakdown." Or, actually, I broke up with it a few days ago.

This time, though, we're gonna stay broken up.

Because I'm becoming someone new.

I wish this wasn't so long so that it would look more intriguing to read.

2009-04-05T14:58:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if this can be classified as a pet peeve, but if it can be, I just moved it up to my number one spot. There are several parts, but one complete idea.

As humans, we give out our advice and build others up, which is obviously a good thing. I just want to know why... when the going gets rough and someone is actually in an emotional ditch and hurting, why do we give a courtesy sentence and then get out of sight ASAP? It's like... "Here... I'll touch your arm a little and ask if it's okay, but just don't tell me that it really isn't okay, because then I won't know what to do anymore." or "I'll text you to ask how it's going, but just make sure you don't let me know how it's actually going, or call me crying, because I don't know how to handle it right and the timing is awkward anyways." Granted, I suppose it could be "awkward" or hard to deal with because we're not all counselors. But why are we like that to each other, and especially to those we say we "love" ?

Is it that hard to be an ear to hear? A real friend that sticks around when it's really not all happy and pretty and fine.. And is it that hard to supply a great big, five minute bear hug to the one you "love" that's hurting ? Just to let someone know they're safe and loved. Sometimes that's all someone wants or needs. No fixing the unfixable, just a touch in a way thats not awkward, but genuinely loving. To be held and completely taken in just as you are. Even a complete stranger could supply that to someone in need.

In a book called Angry Conversations With God, Susan E. Isaacs gives a dead on description that I think bothers the majority of us whether we vocalize it or not.

"Be careful to whom you bear your grief, especially if it's someone churchy, like Martha. Because the Martha's of the world can't leave a question unanswered, a problem unsolved, or a sorrow unhealed; they have to fix it. And no matter how long you've been a Christian, Martha will know a Bible verse you haven't heard(or haven't heard the right way), or she'll have a book or a sermon tape or a worship CD designed to answer your questions, silence your doubts, muzzle your grief, and make Martha feel better.

......... when you realize that God Himself has orchestrated your collapse- then Martha will wish she hadn't come to be Jesus to you, because now she's stuck in some crappy midtown cafe listening to your horrifying thoughts about God- the kind of thoughts she successfully dodges in the midst of her everyday life. But you're not in everyday life. You're in hell."

To clarify, I'm not relating directly to those last few sentences right now, and I know that sometimes the nice word or Bible verse moves mountains. But I have, indeed, related directly to that, and I know that others are there right now. I know I've been on both sides of what I'm currently writing about, too. I have been the awkward friend that didn't have time or didn't know what to say, and I have been the one in dier need of someone to hold me and just let me cry and not being able to understand why someone won't come to help. Why do we do that? People around us are silently crying out; they just need love.

Since when did straight up love become so awkward?

Lately,

2009-03-31T17:30:00.000-04:00

I haven't been my "normal." I'm not too sure what has gotten into me, but it's not cool. I've been really forgetful when it comes to my God, which I've officially nailed as the main culprit. My head has been saying things like "I know who my God is and I know all the words to those songs and I know all about these Bible verses, but none of it's doing anything for me." 1. It's not even about me, and 2. I've been running to everyone and everything but the One who has all my answers and peace.

Really, Bailie?

Directly following these thoughts have been everything that is ugly: Insecurity, doubts, worries, neediness, discontentment, etc. These ugly things have been dominating and entangling me. And ruining my darn spring break!

I've been leaning, with all my weight, on my own understanding.

And I'll be the first to say that I am not a strong foundation to be leaning all of my own weight on. Really, I've been binding myself to my own moody and unstable self. Needless to say, this hasn't gotten me anywhere.

Today I'm breaking free.

With the living God as my rock, shield, redeemer, savior, source, help, encouragement, life, EVERYTHING.

I am His, and He is mine.

And all of the sudden, just now, a dog named Itsy Bitsy has jumped into my lap. What is there not to rejoice about?! I mean really.

Hey spring break, let's have fun now! :)

"Scaly Dan"

2009-03-28T10:53:00.000-04:00

I have this thing where I like to live in other peoples lives sometimes. I really enjoy getting out of my realm to partake in someone else's daily endeavors. I observe them and their surroundings, what they do, and how they do it. I like to get involved as though I were a fixed part of their normal world. Almost like a "fly on the wall," except I'm a living being that's actually incorporated. I love it because everyone is so eccentric and quirky in their own way. This morning I didn't even have to step foot out of my normal to get a glimpse at someone else's life. I just had to listen and I was there.

For the past month or so, this man has been living in my house with us. That sounds odd; He's not just a random man, he's been my step dad's best friend since junior high. He comes and goes as he pleases and most of the time that he has been here I have hardly noticed him. I'm too busy, right? Funny how the most intriguing things are right under your nose. He's always been such a funny guy with a really dry sense of humor, but that's about all I ever thought of him. Just recently I started getting really interested in the man. I've been assuming that day in and day out he has been tagging along with my step dad to work, but that wasn't quite the case. I asked him, "What do you do during the day?" He told me all about the day he had just had. He floats around from place to place with no schedule, staying however long because it doesn't matter; He hasn't any plans. He meets all these different people, he loves their stories, and he told me that he writes them down in a book so he won't forget their names because, he said, "People like to be called by their first name."

I felt like I was reading one of the books that I spend hours reading alone, but this is an actual man living in my house that I have been interacting with. I didn't have to seclude myself with three hundred pieces of paper drenched in print for this kind of enlightenment. I realized he is a factual representation of the fictional books I read all the time.

He was bouncing around with his stories and it was slightly hard to follow, but I did. I wondered if he was making nervous conversation, or if he was genuine and that's what he really wanted to talk about. I wondered if he felt like he was simply talking to an ear that would listen, or if, through my answers, he was reading my life story. That seems so weird to say.. If you met him, you'd think I made this whole thing up. This man seems like the farthest thing from the person I'm describing, but they are one.

About talking to all these different people throughout time, he said, "I've been hearing the same stories about what life is like for the past 30 years and they're all the same, but I like to hear the different opinions."

I was just thinking about that exact thing yesterday. How, really, everyone tries so hard to sum up life and 'what it's all about.' We all have clever ideas, some more clever than others, but I noticed that we can't find an end. We're always conjuring up new ideas and new 'what it's all abouts.' When we hear a different opinion, or see a better outlook, we morph a little. We never really come to a complete end.

So then I thought, "Well, if we never will come to an end, why do we spend so much time thinking about it?"

I decided that maybe it's because it's all we've got. We're finite beings living in something much, much larger than us. We really can't help but try to wrap our minds around everything. And we never will. But isn't that the absolute beauty of it? It wouldn't be so intriguing or so worth thinking about if we could figure it out, right?

At this point in time, I just know that I love people. And that, to me, right now, is what I think life is 'all about.'

So, it took me well over a year to realize just how great this song is.

2009-03-27T23:35:00.000-04:00

Funny how you can sing songs word for word and not even hear them.