"Did I mention that I was in love once? I loved a guy whose heart was good, kind, pure. And he tried to love me. He just didn’t. After two years of trying to make myself wantable, maybe I just became hard inside, a cynic, or maybe worse, a dreamer of things like Ed, like faceless poet boy: imaginary people who are too perfect to be real. Maybe I’m just scared of how lonely my life post-college seems, of how quickly my waistline seems to be expanding, of how maybe I should have worked harder for the guy who didn’t want me.
Maybe I have lived in this fallen world so long that I have forgotten that there ever was an Eden, that there really is One who loves me without condition, even when I eat too much, or when I burn the spaghetti, or have an incredibly arrogant thought, or fail to love my neighbor. When I’m not dreaming, I’ve become a Christian on a mission to be “real.” I mock Christian lingo. I roll my eyes if I have to hear one more time about what “God’s doing” in someone’s life or how “awesome” someone’s time of prayer was this morning. But I’m not real. I’m just calloused. I’m just calloused because I am afraid. I’m afraid to find out what it means to take God at His word, to believe that if I delight myself in Him, He will be faithful to give me the desires of my heart."
Maybe I have lived in this fallen world so long that I have forgotten that there ever was an Eden, that there really is One who loves me without condition, even when I eat too much, or when I burn the spaghetti, or have an incredibly arrogant thought, or fail to love my neighbor. When I’m not dreaming, I’ve become a Christian on a mission to be “real.” I mock Christian lingo. I roll my eyes if I have to hear one more time about what “God’s doing” in someone’s life or how “awesome” someone’s time of prayer was this morning. But I’m not real. I’m just calloused. I’m just calloused because I am afraid. I’m afraid to find out what it means to take God at His word, to believe that if I delight myself in Him, He will be faithful to give me the desires of my heart."
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