Within the last week I've finally and officially decided to take it upon myself to take steps. I've let go of the procrastination and have began to do some crucial things that I should've done months, if not years ago. Yes, they're small. But can I just say.. I feel so good.

I guess it finally, finally hit me that if I want to 'make it' the way I'd like to 'make it' , or at least fulfill the idea I have that involves 'making it' in some form... I'm gonna have to get up and do something. I mean, of course I knew I'd have to do this. I probably thought, and still think, that I'm gonna have to take on more responsibility than I'll actually have to.. But that's just the thing... it's all so unsure. And I'm ready for something solid.

I want to develop and grow and change. And I wanna to do it right. So, I need some solidity. Some things that I can count on being there just like they say they will be. I know that change happens and I need to be able to accept that better than I do right now. I'm talking- solid ground for my soul. (In all honesty, taking on change isn't my award winning strength at this particular moment. & I have my excuses.)I think a huge part of being good at tackling change is having some kind of solid, together foundation. Something, in a decently large sense, to be sure about.(Speaking on a level lower than the solid foundation which God has built strong for me.) I don't know what exactly I think I need. But I'm sure it has something to do with strength and consistency.

For whatever reason, I've been dealt some unpleasant cards thus far that I've had no choice but to play. To put them towards some kind of good use. Maybe I feel like I'm about to shuffle my deck.

I really, really would like to shuffle my deck.

Yet, I'm slightly scared to as well. There are several things that I don't want to let go of. Several things that I'm unsure whether or not TO let go of. So many things that are up in the air... I've been left with scarce confidence and so much confusion. I just want to be me. Comfortable. Okay.

A revision of my whole self.

I'd like to chill out. Regain my peace. & be able to have a good morning for once.

______________________

Anything other than yes is no,

Anything other than stay is go

I guess I'm just weak.

But all day long I've been trying to let these words alter me.

Even if I'm not quite sure if I want them to.

And tonight I was reminded of my age, yet again.

Kindly and unknowingly put in my place.

There is a hope. And a future.

I've just mentally "grown up" a little past where I really am.

Is there a cure for that?