So the iPod connection cord to my car scarcely works nowadays. This means I resort to the four Incubus CD's in my disk changer because sometimes I can't quite embrace The Joy FM- and those are all I got.. I'm sure God understands. But I just wanted some Phil Wickham tonight, so I turned it all off and started belting out hymns. At some points I was yelling, at others faintly humming, but all the while my mind was churning at light speed. The new found stillness had me taken aback. It was like I was holding on to those hymns for dear life and if I let go my sanity would fall away with them. I knew I wasn't fit to deal with silence tonight, just not this night, so I made a point not to stop the noise.
This weekend has been loud and busy. Friday afternoon the seniors graduated, and soon after the parties ensued. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. There wasn't much quiet, so when all I had was my own scratchy voice and the thrum of my engine, it hit me.
It's over. Life is moving on. This is the start of a brand new season.
I can accept that. Well... the hymns helped me swallow acceptance with a little more ease than I could've conjured on my own. I'm so happy for the new lives that are being unleashed from high school bondage, but selfishly and maybe with a shadow of teenage immaturity, I have a tinge of sad feeling left over. I thought I was cool with it as I was writing all my catchy farewell notes, but those years have really, completely ended.
Farewell to seeing you in the hallway and making it vital that I spend 30 seconds with you.
Farewell to secret notes in your locker.
Farewell to tardies in the morning because we waited 'til 8:28 to get out of the car.
Farewell to yelling made up words across campus and lame school lunches.
I guess it's simply bittersweet.
& this is my attempt at closure.
These years will pale in comparison to what's up ahead.. With that, I can boldly move on.
Dear Optimism, save me.
love, Bailie
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