The current state of me.

I'm not exactly sure what it is, but my soul is extra sensitive lately. At the most random moments my chest has gotten heavy and my eyes filled to the brim. Not out of sadness... but from something deeper, and more earnest.

I went with one of my friends to her youth service this week. I've been there once before, so it wasn't that completely vulnerable sense that accompanies new situations where you feel you have to guard your pride.. It was just, fine. Peaceful. When the "sermon time" came around, the message wasn't exactly a 'message', but more of a heart to heart from the pastor to the men in the room. He hadn't planned it, just felt it was the right thing to do, and as he said all these things to the guys, I mean obviously the only thing to do on my behalf was sit and listen. This could've led to a loss of attention or creating awkwardness out of the heavy silence, but it didn't. The silences captured and prepared my heart for the 4 sentences he said to us "ladies" nearing the end. They were simple truths, these words of his, about our husbands somewhere out there. Those simple one's that we hear all the time. But this time... I don't know what it was, maybe the way he said it so earnestly, so caring, so... true. It overwhelmed me in a number of different ways. The hope of what's waiting for me. A hope for a prized possession I'll get one day. A hope of something on earth strong enough to latch completely on to and be, safe. Immediately my eyes filled and I had to do all I could to restrain myself from letting them fall. Those 4 sentences meant so much to me....

We got up for one last worship song. Lead me to the cross. All I could think the whole time was how jealous God is. He is so jealous for me.. very, very jealous for me. And that just makes me love Him all the more.

Then today I started a new read. Through Painted Deserts by Donald Miller.[ Mainly, that man has a profound way of getting to me in the first place. His words have changed my life. ] As I was reading the Author's note, I was already being moved so deeply. I think it was building in me the whole time, but as I read this sentence while failing to pay attention in my US Government class I almost lost it.

And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children at play.

and then this one word, he emphasizes, leave. And ends it all with, Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed.

Who am I, and what am I supposed to do with myself?

I'm always reminded of Juno MacGuff's immortal words, I don't really know what kind of girl I am.

I really don't know precisely what I love, where I should go, or what I should prepare for. I'm just living, which is really okay for now. It will take me where I need to be and I'm confident that I won't be led astray. I'm open. Free. And light, so that I can be swept wherever this wind wills to carry me.