kamikaze

I get out of breath really easily. Not the winded out of breath because I just ran around a room. Just, a loss of correct breathing patterns. As though somewhere along the way I forgot to take a breath or let it out, so I gasp. I know the reasoning behind this perfectly well, but I'm too scared to admit it.. So I pretend like I don't understand why it happens though I clearly recall when it first started, and that I blamed it on the elevation of the mountains, but I knew the truth.

In an act of wasting time this afternoon I chose to drag myself out of my car and browse Barnes and Noble. When I walked in it was like I was in the middle of New York City at noon. Too bright. Too much noise. Listen, I love crowds of people.... but not today. Not right now.

Let me back track for a second... A couple nights ago I went to see the second Twlight movie for the first time. I'd been warned by dear friends, who never cry in movies, not to see it on a "bad" day. I would've made fun of this(because it's Twilight), but because it came from them(who never cry in films, and equally share my view on the cult phenomenon) I was oddly trustful. Not that it was a "bad" day, I just didn't have it precisely on lock, as I like to call it.

I went in expecting to shed tears. Before it started I think I even said, "If I don't cry, I'm leaving."

There was just one part... After he leaves her, she's sitting in front of a window while watching the seasons change through the months. The camera revolves around her and the names of the months appear and dissolve on the screen indicating her lack of ability to live- to say the least. I didn't cry, but my eyes welled up and I made sure to stick my jacket sleeves in the corners of my sockets to keep the salty water from making a mess. A classic trick of mine.

(And for he record, I'm not a real, devoted fan... but I've seen the first film quite a few times and know the entire plot from beginning to end... Let me just say, I am very Team Edward.)

Anyways, I say all this to come back to my being in Barnes and Noble this afternoon. Which was an act of wasting time. Which is also the first reason I'm writing this, to waste time. That, and the idea that I feel if I write this, maybe that's another step in this process of this form of catharsis that I'm doing my best to keep steady.

..I went straight for the new fiction and came across one interesting title, so I cracked it for about three minutes and quickly called it quits. I saw the title, "Love and Summer," debated on seeing what it had to offer, and Bella Swan ran across my mind.... "No lovestories." I agreed.

No. Way.

Anyways, here I am. Dressed to impress. Waiting on an indication to drive across town and put on my brave face.

Not sure what I'm getting myself into.